Behind the Music: CHRISTMAS IS FOR SPIDERS

Merry Christmas and happy 55th birthday to me! Here’s a recent performance in which I explain how being born on Christmas Day leads to exorbitant amounts of self-confidence. The set concludes with the world premiere of my contribution to the holiday canon, “Christmas is for Spiders.”

Hosted by the Greater Mankato Area Comedy Coalition at The Circle Inn, North Mankato.

Here’s the album version. Huge thanks to my bandmates for bringing the song to life with fearless emotion and percussion.

Joe Tougas & Associates feat. Scott (triangle), Michelle (sincerity), Shelley (cymbals), ARK (vocals), me (vocals), Kat (vocals), Evan (tambourine), Joe (empathy). With Johnny (lighting) & Wendy (videography).

Thank you for watching. In appreciation, I’d love to give you a limited edition portable directory of local discounts for seniors 55+. While supplies last! Come get yours Christmas night at Wine Cafe 7:00-9:00 p.m., where I’ll be holding court Christmas-birthday-style, i.e., all the gifts are things people received earlier in the day and promptly disliked, and everybody pays their own tabs because yes it’s MY birthday but it’s also YOUR Christmas, for (I’m trying not to say it) (I can’t not say it) for chrissake.

*Limited edition rear-view-mirror-tag directory of discounts for ultimate life-planning convenience.*

Raise a glass of cider to Helen the Christmas spider

She claimed the chimney as her space to hatch her Christmas babies

The web she spun was silver, she laid her babies in there

Inside their eggs their spider eggs their Christmas spider eggs

Christmas is for spiders, not men

Santa made the wrong guess, assuming he had access

But past consent is not the same as asking if you’re welcome this time

Down the chimney went he, arriving in a red heap

His orifices clogged with webs and eggs and broken webs and eggs

Christmas is for spiders, not men

Christmas is for spiders and for others who believe in

Coexistence and not breaking and not taking what’s not yours

Christmas is for spiders, Christmas is for spiders and not men

And not men

Raise a glass of cider to Helen the Christmas spider

Her babies hatched in Santa’s face and made him think about his choices

Christmas is for spiders, not men

Christmas is for spiders, not men (men who break things, men who take things, men who wreck things, just those men and not all men)

Not all men

Greater Mankato Area Comedy Coalition comedy shows resume Sunday, Jan. 14. Details here.

2 comments on “Behind the Music: CHRISTMAS IS FOR SPIDERS”

emetz@hickorytech.net says:

December 25, 2023 at 5:28 am

My goodness! If you were born 55 years ago, Apollo 8 was circling the Moon and I was getting drunk in Saigon – I still wear a silvery bracelet on my arm to remind me! Happy Birthday to you, dear brilliant Ann!